John Gottman was an American psychologist who focused his research on relationships. He did extensive research to be able to identify the biggest predictors of divorce. In 1992, he conducted a study where he was able to predict divorce with a 93.6% accuracy rate. Many therapists use his methods in their work and in their couples therapy. Gottman was able to identify the biggest predictors of divorce being criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Criticism
Criticism implies judgement and attacks a person’s character. This is different than providing
a critique or complaint about something. It is important to know the difference between a complaint and criticism. Criticism usually paves the way for the rest of the behavior predictors to follow in the relationship.
Example—
Compliant: “I am feeling like some of the housework is one-sided and I am overwhelmed.”
Criticism: “This house is always messy. You never clean anything. You are so lazy.”
Contempt
Contempt is mocking our partner often using sarcasm or name calling. Contempt is truly a mean form of communication and we are often ridiculing our partner causing them to feel disrespected. Body language includes eye rolling or scoffing at one another. Contempt is when we assume that we are superior to our partner and treat them as such. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and couples that engage in this behavior often suffer from more physical illness.
Example— Mother speaking to another Mother watching the Fathers parent the children.
[Eye rolls] “Ugh, Dads what do they know?”
Example— Partner 1: “I do everything in this house. All of the cooking, all of the cleaning. I am so tired of it all”
Partner 2: [Clapping and saying with sarcasm “Yup you are right. You do everything in this house. Good for you. Do you need an award or something?”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is very common and is usually present when there is conflict in our relationships. When we feel that we are being attacked or accused it is almost natural to respond with defensiveness. This behavior can come from either a real or perceived attack.
We try to find excuses and play the victim role. This strategy is always harmful to relationships because we are not taking accountability and we illustrate to our partner that their concerns are not valid, are not being heard and are not taken seriously.
Example— “Well I would have helped around the house but when I went to do the laundry there was no laundry detergent. Did you forget to buy it at the store?”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when a partner begins to shut down. This is usually the behavior that follows contempt. This is when a partner begins to withdraw from interactions. When there is a disagreement or conflict they will stop engaging in the conversation and even times begin engaging in other distracting or obsessive behaviors.
Example— Partner stops listening and begins cleaning.
This information is helpful for individuals and couples to know what communication styles are more likely to lead to divorce. Knowledge is power. When we know more-- we have more of a choice to change. If our relationship currently has these communication styles it does not mean that we are doomed for divorce. People can change at any time. We can improve our communication styles and lean more into respect and connectedness with our partner again if that is something that we want to do and if that is something that we are willing to do.
Read a more in-depth blog about The Do's and Dont's of Communication in Relationships here.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hey, I'm Brooke --I'm a licensed anxiety and addiction therapist serving individuals, adolescents and couples in the states of New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware and Florida. My experience brings both a personal and professional perspective to the work that I do with my clients. If you are interested in learning more about the therapy process and would like to schedule a free consultation, I would love to chat with you!
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